Who has a birthday? May 27th Edition

(We are inside a recording studio, JADAKISS is on the mic. RJD2 and ANDRE 3000 are in the control room, bobbing their heads along approvingly. RJD2 is seated, occasionally adjusting knobs and dimmers. ANDRE 3000 is stooped to the right of him, both hands placed firmly on the control board)

JADAKISS

(rapping) Why do niggas push pounds of powder?/ Why does Bush like smelling flowers?

(RJD2 stops and, exasperated, looks up at ANDRE 3000, who throws up his hands and rolls his eyes. JADAKISS, who has his eyes closed, continues rapping through their disapproval, unknowingly. RJD2 presses a button on the control board, and the sound-effect of a record scratch brings JADAKISS to his senses)

JADAKISS

Now what's all this about man? You said I could be controversial! You said it wouldn't matter if the media came down on me!

ANDRE 3000

Jadakiss...I just don't know what to call this direction you're going in.

JADAKISS

Bold! Original!

ANDRE 3000

Original? It's just a rehash of that line in "Why?" except now it doesn't make any sense. What's the relationship between kids sellin' crack and George Bush smelling flowers?

JADAKISS

Who said "powder" meant crack? I think if you made less assumptions and just listened to what I was sayin-

RJD2

Wait! Andre I think I know what he's saying: it's like, real kids on the street just got to live, and they gotta be tough and do real shit just to get by. But Bush has this pampered life, you know? so he has time to do shit like smell flowers and all when the people he's serving...wait why are you talking about Bush anyway anymore?

JADAKISS

Goddammit RJ! Shit doesn't have to be real all the time! The "powder" is flour! I was gonna pun the shit out of that in the next verse!

ANDRE 3000

Why the fuck would you be rappin' about flour? Who the fuck's gonna want to listen to a song about flour?

JADAKISS

People have birthdays! We-

(JADAKISS stops suddenly in the middle of his statement, seemingly struck by something. ANDRE and RJD2 stare back through the glass quizzically. The backing beat; which was never stopped, only dimmed, is the only thing occupying this evergrowing pause.)

JADAKISS

WE have birthdays. (gesturing to indicate all three of them on the word "all") We...ALL...have birthdays.

(Both ANDRE 3000's and RJD2's eyes widen, they then turn to each other, shocked and amazed. JADAKISS is staring at them with a similar expression of awe, his mouth agape. All three look back-and-forth at each other, innumerable times. And the beat goes on.)

Who Has a Birthday?

(Outside of a 7/11 we see a middle-aged man, BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT, yelling angrily into a pay phone. It is about 4:00PM, sunny)

GOLDTHWAIT

Well maybe now I WILL set your chair on fire, but certainly not as a GUEST! ... oh so we're gonna call that an arson threat now? Well, have fun trying to squeeze money out of THIS sad mother-fucker, my public defender and I will see you in court. (angrily slams down phone then quickly, desperately checks the change slot)

(The 7/11 doors whirr open, out steps HELENA BONHAM CARTER, drumstick ice-cream cone in one hand, bag of miscellaneous items dangling from the other)

CARTER

(At first trying to ignore him, then realizing who he is after slyly slipping a peek) Bobcat! Goldthwait! Oh wow, I'm a...I'm a big fan! Oo, I just saw Sleeping Dogs Lie!

GOLDTHWAIT

(slightly shocked, trying to regain his composure and put on a toned-down version of his stage persona)Oh wellll, I guess that makes one of us! It wasn't the most p-p-popular or nothing! But I did LOOVE your Planet of the Apes!

CARTER

(having a good time, smiling, laughing) Ha, you're already funny you don't have to be nice too.

GOLDTHWAIT

If I were the nice guy I'd warn you before Lenny Kravitz scares the shit out of you!

(CARTER laughs before realizing it's not really that much a joke, giving LENNY KRAVITZ enough time to sneak up behind her and scare the shit out of her)

KRAVITZ

BOO! (CARTER wheels around, astonished)

CARTER

Lenny! What on earth are you doing here!

KRAVITZ

Well I could be asking you the same question! It's like you all had a party and didn't invite--

(he stops suddenly in the middle of his statement, as if struck by an epiphany)

KRAVITZ (CONT'D)

It's as if...you all had a BIRTHDAY party...and didn't invite me.

(Now CARTER and GOLDTHWAIT look similarly struck. They turn to one another, questioningly at first, their eyes slowly widening as they figure out what KRAVITZ has gleaned)

GOLDTHWAIT

(Accent strong at first, then fading as he realizes the situation fully) OH g-g-GOD, it's our...it's...it's ALL of our....

CARTER

It's...OUR...birthday! This is...OUR birthday!

(They look at each other back-and-forth, CARTER'S drumstick has begun to melt in the sun onto her arm, but she does nothing. KRAVITZ'S car has been idling the entire time, and continues to for a full 2-minutes after anyone has said anything.)